Digging into my unpublished blogs and stories, I found this. I painted an image today and decided to publish this bit of satire. Enjoy.

Found were these notes from the Apple Keynote of the year 2100-

Breathing is intuitive. When we set out to make the iLung 1, we knew it also needed to be intuitive. More importantly, it had to be hassle-free. This is literally a life or death situation. Other oxygen supplies on the market were safe and functional, but clunky, confusing, and austere.

We engineered the iLung for comfort, ease, and of course, air. Today, we bring you the iLung 4. While our patented nose-pods still remain the most comfortable on the market, we are happy to introduce the new Breez connector!

The last thing you want to do is fumble around with the tube connection that supplies your oxygen. At the same time it must be secure when it is connected. Apple brings you the Breez connector. The Gust connector is no more. The Breez has been completely redesigned.

The iLung 4 is still made of a single piece of aluminum to make sure there are no leaks, but we've managed to increase the volume of oxygen it can carry by 35% while still making the unit smaller!

Of course, any sort of new designs are tested to ensure the highest level of safety. When you're carrying around flamible gas out in the tremendous temperatures that ravish the planet now, you want to feel secure. We wanted to do something special for you. We hoped to send the iLung 4 to the planet Mercury. If it could survive at those temperatures, the iLung 4 would survive here for at least another two decades. Ah, but that was the issue. In the amount of time that it would take for our product to get to Mercury, well we will have likely released 4 more updates to the live-saving device. It's no use showing you the iLung 4's durability if we're already giving you the iLung 8. (Pause for laughter) Instead, we put the iLung 4 on a robot and sent it to the super volcano that was once Wyoming. What you're about to see is the video of that super heated trip.

What you're looking at is 2 camera angles, on the left is infared to show us any combustion, since the traditional video camera is so distorted from the heat at the site. Those flashes are some of the robot's hydrallic hoses melting, but as you can see the iLung 4 is doing great! (Pause for applause) Now here the cameras give in to the heat, but sensors showed that the iLung 4 was still intact when we left! Of course, we don't recommend anyone take a vacation to the former Yellowstone park with your new iLung!

#Apple #Satire #ClimateChange #Future

Our city runs on oil. It fuels our economy, the government, and the people of Edmonton. We love petroleum so much that we've named our hockey team the Oilers. COVID-19 has put an end to the NHL and most public events in our city. Next to our Oilers bumper sticker is another shaped like our province that states, "Alberta Strong." It's short for "Alberta is strongly opinionated."

Yes, without our hometown hockey team to throw under the bus, our citizens will be miserable. If there are no NHL games we will be unable to demand the team be more like the Gretzky team. With a lack of games and theater downtown, Edmontonians will not be able to gripe about parking. The sanctity of parking is held above all else in our city. We all know the gods gave Albertans asses to sit in the bucket seats of 3/4 ton trucks and shout racist slurs at cyclists. Trucks and SUVs powered by oil are the lifeblood of the city. If COVID-19 forces us to work from home, who will complain about the red light cameras? The Edmontonian identity is deeply steeped in vehicle culture. If we're not thundering down side streets in our lifted rigs, who are we? If I cannot go to a party, or social networks to complain about pot holes, I am lost. How can I just sit at home and isolate when there are unused bike lanes taunting me?

A vehicle in a garage deeply saddens us Edmontonians. When I think of the motorcycles, luxury sports cars, and jacked-up trucks that are no longer able to compete for the title of most deafening vehicle on Jasper or Whyte this Spring and Summer, I want to cry. Of course, I won't. I'm Albertan. The rumbling exhaust is Edmontonian music. We love it more than anything else, except for our Nickelback. I will miss my daily 20 minute practice of obscene profanity while I sit at the intersections where the LRT crosses. The COVID-19 pandemic will crush the UCP goal of a 1 to 1 ratio of vehicles to people. Jason Kenney will no longer be able to give speeches from the back of pickup trucks, but he will be sequestered in his mother's basement, talking to us via TicToc.

While our generous & loyal billionaire, Katz will help struggling employees through this pandemic, who will look out for our CEOs and corporations? There are stories about the charitable giants like Uber giving a whole 14 days of paid leave to those involved in the gig economy. Canadians are also calling for people to purchase gift cards to support their favorite local businesses and the arts. If money trickles down as our corporate masters tell us, certainly our traumas will trickle up. There has been zero talk of saving our national icon, Tim Hortons. What happens when we're not in the lineup daily to get our traditional brown sludge and microwaved meals? We must bail out Tim's!

Perhaps the best way to save Edmonton is the automobile! I propose we put together a government fund to remodel offices to drive-ins. Pull up in your SUV, roll down the window and hook up your laptop. Work from the comfort of the bench seats in your Hummer. Business overhead costs will go down-- no office furniture, heat, lighting, janitors or elevator maintenance needed. The pickup truck becomes the board room. Simply line up trucks, tailgate to tailgate, and get our 2 meters of distance and no threat of infection. And, with every office now mobile the demand for gas will go up. The Edmonton economy will be saved.

Down with public transportation, too many people in small spaces. Down with sidewalks, crosswalks, and pedestrians. We will have larger roads and all the parking we could want. Finally, we can return to hockey as it was meant to be played, outdoors. We will modify the uniforms to be a bit more like hazmat suits and watch the game from our trucks, parked around the rink. The only downside to this plan is giving the credit to COVID-19. We cannot start rebuilding if Kenney's war room sees coronavirus as a foreign contribution.

#satire #yeg #covid19