I wanted some help with a project and I called on my friend German from The Modern Manhood Podcast. It was really great to bounce ideas off of him and he helped me focus on what was important. We had an enjoyable conversation over drinks and dinner and parted ways. Then, I was alone with my thoughts. The joy of the evening faded away.

I am a burden. I am pathetic. I am stupid. Obviously, I wasted German's time. He must think I'm an idiot. I imagine he's going home to tell his partner what a loser I am.

Walking home from the pub, I couldn't shake those thoughts. Despite the fact that we openly talked insecurities and mental health, my inner critic was carrying me away with anger, pain, and sadness after I left. These feelings are not based in reality, there's no evidence that German thinks any of these things.Yet, this is my perception when I look back on the evening. I am not alone, of course. We all look back at events with a cloud of apprehension or nostalgia. Dwelling in either area can be dangerous when depression is in the equation.

Introspection and Chocolate

There can't be such a thing as too much chocolate, right? Some, especially those who aren't into chocolate, may believe there is a limit. I wonder the same about examining my own thoughts and feelings. Is there such a thing as too much introspection? As someone who takes forever to make a decision, I can see the argument against examining one's self "too much." No matter how much I think about me, I still have to make the doughnuts, I have to go about my day and take care of my responsibilities. Whether German likes me as a person or not, the laundry needs to get done, food needs to be put on the table, and chocolate needs to be eaten. I believe this is stoicism, but that book is still on my reading list. Regardless of what I think, there's work to be done, so why bother being introspective?

On the flip side, chocolate is damn delicious. Some people use pumpkin pie as an excuse to eat an entire tub of whip cream. If you leave me alone with a pan of chocolate brownies, I hope you don't want the pan back because I'm liable to eat it as well. Being introspective is learning who I am. There are layers when I think about thinking. It can seem unnecessary from the surface level. The thoughts above about being a pathetic loser, for example, bring pain to me. Best to leave that alone, right? That's not going to get the housework done. Anyway... Yet, the next layer below is asking the question not of German, but of me. Why do I think I'm a loser? In my warped mind, if I ask German, he will never admit he doesn't like me. He'll want to spare my feelings, people are rarely honest, and so on. In other words, I'm going to believe what I want to believe. Time to ask why.

Instead of avoiding the pain, I have to go into it. Why do I think I'm a loser? The immediate response is, "just stop thinking this." Do I need to rehash some ancient memory to move forward? I think understanding it can take the power away from my self-critic. No matter how much money a man has, you're not going to take investment advice from him if he says he bought Bitcoin because he only invests in things that start with the letter "b." What if a teacher told 7 year old me that I was the worst student she ever had in class on Tuesday, and in the following evening during parent-teacher conferences I heard her say I was one of her favorites? That may have created some trust issues. I can't very well base my worth on what a 7 year old with one bad experience thinks. So, understanding the past is a good thing.

The Mean Streets of the Brain

The 7 year old is not alone, unfortunately. Using his lens, I've grabbed other experiences through the years to reinforce this idea of mistrust. I must be terrible because +add negative events here. It's like letting the tobacco or sugar industry study the affects of their products. "The things we make are great! Keep buying! There's no problem here."

Things are literally reinforced in the brain. The favorite phrase that I've read over and over is "neurons that fire together, wire together." When two brain cells make a connection, or wire together, they fire information through the wire. If they do this over and over, you brain builds a highway here. "Ouch! I burned myself on the stove again." The brain cells need better communication between the idea of a stove and hot, let's remove the traffic lights and put in an 8 lane superhighway here.

Now, over the years I alone have perceived that I am not enough. I feel that I am a loser. Those two brain cells, the loser label and the Chris, are affixed together with the neural pathway equivalent of the Autobahn. Through my recent groups, therapy, friends, family, and introspection, I've been trying to connect Chris to the decent and lovable brain cells. At the moment it is only a rough two-track. Actually, it feels more like a Rock Crawling course.

So, it's no surprise that my older pattern of self-disgust kicked in after chatting with my friend German. It is frustrating that I am able to recognize the pattern, but still get dragged down by it. At least I'm noticing it, right? First step and all? At times I can see this, yes. However, seeing through the fog of depression can be difficult. The psychiatrist explained something to me once about emotional pain, it has no sense of time. The part of the brain that deals in emotions is not at all connected to the part that perceives time. When you think about the loss of a loved one, it affects you even if it happened years ago. Those feelings that I'm somehow less are painful, true or not. Time to dig into another layer perhaps. Meanwhile, construction continues on reinforcing the new neural pathway between Chris and compassion.

#mentalhealth #SelfCompassion #SelfWorth #SelfJudgement

To consider the question, put yourself in the following scenario:

You’re going to spend a month in Mexico. Thus, you decide to take a class in Spanish to make your time there easier, and learn a new language. At the end of the first class the teacher gives you homework.

How do you feel about homework? Did your mind internally groan. Perhaps, old ghosts from your past rose from the dark recesses of your memory to haunt you each day before the next class. Finally an hour before class, you sat down to do the homework. Or, you wrote the homework assignment off in frustration or shame.

Homework is a dirty word to many of us. It’s more than anxiety, it is a cultural perception carried over from grade school. Kids don’t want homework. Even some teachers don’t want to assign homework because that means “homework” for them in the form of grading.

This stigma has resulted in patterns of behavior like the one described above. In the hypothetical situation you decided to take Spanish for your personal benefit. This was not forced on you. Thus, homework is only going to improve your experience. Yet, this old phantom of the dread associated with homework clouds your mind from the truth. In this case, homework is good and our minds refuse to believe it because of years of learned behavior.

Knowing Is Less Than Half The Battle

Thankfully, I haven’t gotten a lot of people telling me to “just be happy.” There’s definitely still a stigma around depression and mental illness, but these things are becoming more prominent. Unfortunately, I am often the person telling myself to “just be happy.” I know many of my patterns of behavior. Sadly, I’ve spent years building them just as society has about homework. Therefore, changing them is not so easy.

The Chris Show is brought to you, and me, by Depression Inc. Like with Facebook and Twitter, I signed up without reading the Terms of Service. I wake up with the knowledge that I am programmed to despise myself. During breakfast, the loathing begins.

I have strategies to help. I can fill my schedule with tasks, meditate, exercise, and eat healthy. Even if I achieve success with these tools my pattern emerges. Good job. Of course, the reason you did all this today is because you’re broken. Winnie-the-Pooh’s friend Eeyore wouldn’t hesitate to block depression from his social networks. Knowing of my mental distortions help, but that information is held within the very hard drive I’m trying to repair.

Are We Sure Time Heals All Wounds?

People can learn to live with mental illnesses. I have friends, who I hope to feature on an upcoming podcast idea, that are doing just that. I believe the path to a better life lies in creating new patterns. On my reading list is a book focusing on neuroplasticity. It is possible to change our brains, but it requires practice and time. The real tricky part? Time is a construct of the mind. Thus, depression distorts time and therefore my healing.

• Tried doing things differently for a while and it didn’t work.
• I don’t have time to fix myself. I should be working and enjoying life because I’m already in my 40s.
• It’s too late for change. I’ve wasted my life.

This is why learning to live with my mental illness, making change is difficult. It’s homework that I don’t want to do because it means graduating into a world far bigger than my school. My mind, in this negative state, is predictable. Expecting sadness, fear, failure, disappointment, and shame is certain. Rolling the dice to possibly get joy, happiness, or success is unpredictable. I just can’t afford another failure, I have to be perfect. That’s the mental illness weighing in. Even the observational thought, “What do I have left to lose if I roll the dice?” has a negative connotation in my mind. It goes back to “The reason you have to try so hard is because you’re broken.”

Changing the mind is like following the instructions to set up your first VCR in the 80s using the video tape instructions it came with. That means there’s hope for me. People figured out their VCRs sooner or later. Or, they asked for help from friends. I just have to hope that my mind isn’t Betamax and eventually I’ll get there.

#depression #mentalhealth #homework #change #time

He calls himself Jeena. He’s a software developer. Have you got an idea of what type of person he is? Another fact, Jeena plays in a metal band. Now, how do you see him? Jeena loves photography as well. You’ve probably got a perception of who Jeena is, at this moment. Of course, you’d be wrong. Even as someone who has got to know him a bit more, I would be also be mistaken. That’s the one thing that brings us all together, we’re individual, imperfect humans.

Jeena is a fellow human I met online. He started a podcast and credited Paul and I as inspiration. While that’s one reason I like Jeena, I also enjoy the fact that he’s a world away in Sweden. A Polish man who lives and works in Sweden, dries meat, brews beer, plays in a metal band, and does a podcast. There is some crossover, but so much else that makes he and I different. Jeena’s most recent podcast is about FOSDEM (Free and Open Source Software Developers’ European Meeting) and much of the topic might go over my head. Yet, I still listen with absolute joy.

Before you, or he, thinks that I’m going single white female on Jeena, let me say I enjoy his podcast, social feeds and website because it is a chance for me to see the world in a new way. In the first paragraph you may have started to make assumptions based on the tidbits of Jeena that I gave you. Those assumptions are based on your lived experience. My lens is one of North America. Another example, to someone who listens to rap or classical, Jeena’s love of metal may be confusing. Our lenses, our views of the world around us are so very limited.

A shallow perspective can be dangerous. When you learn Jeena lives in Sweden, what do you think about that country? High taxes? A cool temperature? After listening to all of Jeena’s podcasts so far, I start thinking it must be a pretty amazing place because his interviews are in English. Really? Do all Swedish people know 2 languages? That’s amazing! Of course, that’s an assumption that I just made, and it's likely not true. However, that’s why I like widening my world view, to keep teaching myself how little I know. I want to stop making poor assumptions. I want to embrace our differences, not use them to divide myself from others.

Learning more about Jeena and others in the world helps me on the bad days. I am reminded that 6800 km away something else is happening. The world isn’t as dark as I might see it, at that moment. This planet is full of other humans, some struggling and others prospering. On the good days, I can see similarities as Jeena has talked to people about filmmaking, ADHD, and video games. People in Sweden are different, and yet we have similar interests.

The other day someone asked, “What is the one thing that makes us human?” Her answer surprised me, “We’re imperfect.” We use the differences to divide us. By believing that my taste in music is better than Jeena’s joy of heavy metal, I am trying to boost myself. Like politicians trying to sway the votes in their direction, I am trying to make up for my feelings of insecurity. In truth, Jeena can play a musical instrument and I cannot. Thanks to my father, I know my way around a bicycle and could probably build one from the ground up. Perhaps Jeena is not as comfortable with that subject? The point is, we need each other. Perhaps, Jeena doesn’t need me to literally fly to Sweden to fix his bicycle, but we humans need each other. We’re pack animals. We’re social creatures. Those things that make us different are what make us amazing. We need to stop looking through our tiny lenses and have a much bigger world view.

Thanks Jeena. Thanks to Mastodon, Dimitra, Spikey, Pierre, Jacob, Joe, Arturo, Jonathan, Jonas, Quoc, Al, Colette, and all my friends and family for helping to shape my view of the world. Thanks for being imperfect and trying your best. Make generous assumptions about the people around you. We’re all in this together, each and every one of us.

#humanity #perspective #makegenerousassumptions